After a hurricane, comes a rainbow ✩ (a_fantasia) wrote,
After a hurricane, comes a rainbow ✩

[multi-chaptered] Kanjani8; All our memories {2/8}

Fandom: Kanjani8
Title: All our memories { vanished into words }
Pairing: Shibutani Subaru x Yasuda Shota
Genre: romance, angst, High school!AU
Rating: PG
Summary: Back in elementary school, Subaru gave all of his memories to protect Shota from that accident. Now that they have met again in high school, only Shota remembers what happened. Will he be able to leave Subaru before they get closer? Is disappearing again the only solution?
Notes: I'd like to say thank you once again to my marvelous beta, rainy_fruit . You're the best!
This was supposed to be between chapters 5 and 6, but I just had to wrote it when I had the idea, right after writing chapter one. I like things to be clear since the beginning, and I thought leaving it as chapter two would make the story more tragic. Besides, after reading this you'll understand the whole plot. Let me know what you think in your lovely comments ♥
Other chapters: 1 ~ 3 ~ 4 ~ 5 ~ 6 ~ 7 ~ 8 ~ Epilogue

Shota knew he wouldn’t suddenly remember everything; yet he thought writing a letter to him could do something. He read it one more time before stuffing the pieces of paper into the envelope.

Dear Subaru,

Now that you at least know who I am, I’d like to try and make your dreams come back. You’re probably wondering what I’m talking about, and I can’t really ensure you’ll understand after reading this. Maybe you already know, and this is useless. Anyway, all I want to say is that I missed you. A lot. But I’m afraid things won’t be the same from now on. I think this is unfair for you. It is painful for me, too.

When you saved me from those guys, the first day I met you again, I felt relieved that you would subconsciously protect me. I found the same look from back then in your eyes when they met mine. It’s now when I can say that I really believed the words you said that afternoon, the promise you made to me. I remember you always spoke about being respectful toward other people and ignore those who don’t accept you as you are. You were right. I can understand that too, now that some years have passed.

The thing is that, Subaru, I feel like a burden to you. I mean, I didn’t really want to slip in your life again like I did. I’m no longer the helpless kid I used to be, though when I’m near you, I can’t help but want you to protect me and be by my side forever. It’s nothing bad, I know, but I don’t want to deceive you and use the memories we don’t share anymore.

You were and will always be my first love.

We met during my first year, back during elementary school. It was your fourth year, I think. You had moved in from a faraway place I didn’t know. We weren’t in the same class, of course, but you wouldn’t play with the kids in your grade. I suppose it was easier to speak to me since I used to spend recess alone. I always cried when the other kids picked on me so everybody thought I was a crybaby.

One day, you came and sat down beside me. You told me it was your birthday and immediately asked me not to tell anyone. Who was I supposed to tell? Since that day, you were my first and only friend at school.

Yasu stopped reading and rubbed his eyes. Tears didn’t let him read well.

We prepared a cake made of mud and stones. You blew the sticks that stood for candles with a smile from ear to ear. I could tell you were happy, and I was so grateful for your warmth that I even gave you the lollipop my grandmother had given me that very morning. You broke it in two pieces and shared it with me. That meant so much to me, and even now it’s important.

During the next two years, we grew up side by side. Well, it was you who really grew up. I only stuck to you and became your shadow. I could only see the world through you. You taught me everything I knew. I shared with you things I would never have shared with anybody else. I didn’t do anything by myself. I knew that wasn’t right, but when I was so scared that I couldn’t move, you would appear just in time to defend me.

I always owed you one, and I never paid you back. I was a coward.

I soon knew I loved you. I told you every time I could, but you’d always turn it out to be another way. It has never been friendship what I feel for you but admiration and love. It isn’t difficult to write this here since, as I’ve told you, I’ve already said it to you thousands of times.

Then, what was bound to happen occurred. I was naïve enough to think that you could fight against anything for my sake. You might remember what came after this. It was a cold winter afternoon. You were waiting for me at the front gate of the school, and I was late. Too late. You asked some girls from my class that had come out laughing, and they answered with something like, “That stupid Yasuda is fighting again with Sakai and the others. When will he give up? He’s nothing compared to them.” You ran and found me at the same park as usual, surrounded by five people and doing almost nothing to defend myself.

One of them, this Sakai guy, grabbed the lapel of my jacket and pushed me up against a tree. You started shouting at him. The other guys laughed at you. They were in your class. They didn’t know anything about me; yet they hated me. I knew it was just because I’d always been too girly. Because I couldn’t act like a real man, when Sakai threw me aside to the road, you had to protect me with your body.

The Sakai gang got what they wanted. They ruined the most important thing I had in my life. They pulled you away from me, far away, beyond memory. Because I deserved it, I caused my best friend and my love to forget everything about me.

You must know now I only came to this school for you. At first, I thought I’d be happy with just seeing your smile again. I’m so sorry I couldn’t hold myself back. I didn’t mean to ruin it all again, really. That’s why you need to know the truth and to be aware of what I did to you.

I don’t hope you forgive me. Who would like to have a relationship with someone who’d entirely depend on them? I think I’ve matured in some way but not enough to be sure not to hurt you again. It’d be better if you didn’t speak to me anymore. I’ll just watch you from a distance and sing our song every time I feel lonely. Don’t worry about me anymore, please. Subaru, I sincerely want you to be happy without me. I love you. I don’t need anything else.

Always by your side,

Too bitter, perhaps, but Shota was ready to hand it over to its addressee. He wiped away his tears and took a breath. Subaru was waiting for him at the library.

Thanks for reading~
Tags: ex: multi-chaptered, f: kanjani8, g: angst, g: high school!au, g: romance, lan: english, p: subassan/yasuba

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